i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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