dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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