I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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