I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
