Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
