I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
