the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
