somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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