I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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