just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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