After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
