Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
