Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
