I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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