Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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