i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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