The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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