the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
