Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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