Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
