Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Randomize
