I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
