sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
