I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
