Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
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I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.