you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?