It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.