On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
