Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
