She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
