she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it was like eating out sand paper
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This toilet bowl is my home.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
