I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
