I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
