I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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