I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
