Having a random hookup so left but love u
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
