: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I won the penis lottery.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
