FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
