Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
