If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
