this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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