boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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