He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
