apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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