I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
