I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Randomize
