You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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