So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
