i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
