Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
