finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
