is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
