Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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