apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
