There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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