the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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