I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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