My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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