I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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