I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
